TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A further place exactly where American Gentlemen can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: present Everybody a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes Trump Tower Damascus "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the task, replied, "You are aware of, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

Report this page